Grown Up

I can tell I'm getting older, because time seems to be going by way too fast. Jessie and I have been together for two and a half years, and engaged for a year and a half. And we have an actual wedding date! June 11, 2016. And I have a job at which I stayed late working today, not because anyone forced me to, but because I needed to get things done. Child!me would be horrified. The most exciting material additions to my life are an apartment that Jessie and I don't share with anyone, and a new mattress that makes me feel like a princess. I enjoy watching HGTV with Jessie on a regular basis. I'm very excited about the curtains we recently got from my mother, because they go great with the lithograph we got framed.

And yet, I watch more cartoons (anime) than I ever have in my life (probably) and have more game systems than I've ever owned. Being a "grown up" certainly isn't what I feared it would be as a child, and I'm really glad I did grow up (good choice, me). As a child I thought being an adult meant working in a cubicle and buying watches and you would only ever get clothes as a present. Now of course, I would LOVE to get some new clothes as a present, but there's so much more to being an adult. I love the feeling of security that no matter what happens, I can handle it. I'll get through it, because humans are surprisingly resilient, and even though I am only 26, I've already been through quite a few things.

I enjoy reflecting, having deep conversations, planning for the future but knowing it will be nothing like my plans. I'm actually planning a wedding, which is crazy. I try to remember if I ever had dreams of being a bride as a child, but I really don't think I did. My barbie dolls never got married. There was one time my barbie doll systematically married and then murdered each of my ken dolls, but I'm not sure that counts as the typical dreams of weddings that are talked about. I guess my first memory of a wedding was a family friend's daughter named Liz. She was probably in her 20s, which is weird to think that I am now her age. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and one time when I was staying at her house, I secretly used her shampoo in hopes I would have beautiful hair like hers. (It was ThermaSilk.) Her wedding dress was strapless and had a corset back, and it was the most beautiful wedding dress (the only wedding dress) I had ever seen.

But that's the extent of it. So I'm not sure where my current insistence on a perfect wedding came from. I guess just because I've met the perfect person, so I want a perfect wedding to go with it. And a perfect honeymoon, and an apartment that is impeccably decorated with a scheme that flows throughout the house.

I have no visions of an actual house yet, and certainly not babies. Rather I have dreams of traveling the world. I want to have adventures.

But I also want to keep watching anime and playing video games and spending too much time on the internet.

It's hard, because it's already May and it feels like life is just moving too fast. How do I enjoy wasting time and at the same time not let my dreams fall through the cracks?

There's too many great shows to watch, too many great books to read, and I've got too many stories to write, and things to do. I want to become fluent in Japanese, I want to learn Korean, I want to actually be social from time to time, and perhaps even have dinner parties. I want to finish my silly story and write the book I'd like to publish. I want to learn to cook and not be overwhelmed by the idea of it. I want to start running and exercising and get fit.

Then somewhere in all that, I have to sleep. And work, because the worst part about being a grown up is money.

I guess I just have to remind myself that if everything goes according to plan, I'm only a quarter of the way through my life. I've got plenty of time. So I guess I'll just keep living the way my mother raised me, which is that it's okay to try out many things. It's okay to change your mind. Try something out. You don't have to force yourself to continue if you don't enjoy it.

That being said, I'm going to play video games now. I'm playing Persona 4 right now, and I'm determined to actually finish this one.